Last week, I sort of guided you through what is required of you to be eligible to purchase pot for all your ills and pains. This trail led you to the front door of Strawberry Fields, a nice sounding name for our very own pot dispensary right down here in Logan. At this moment, even I have no idea what awaits pot customers as they reach out, grasp that knob, give a pull, and walk through that door.

Before I started this research, I had the notion that it might actually look like a pharmacy in there, but that naive notion turned out to be wrong. I thought that the people who actually dispensed “medical” pot to very ill people must have a minimal knowledge of medicine or pharmacology. After all, pot is an actual drug, isn’t it? Or, at the very least, THC, the active ingredient in pot is. And, it is called, “Medical” Pot, isn’t it? Why isn’t some modicum of medical or pharmacological knowledge required? What happens if a patient (are they still called patients?) has a seizure while there? Call 911, I suppose.

So, I dug farther into this pot of stew and tried to find what qualified a pot dispenser to dispense pot. Wasn’t easy until I accidentally ran across what a pot dispenser is actually called. A Budtender! How cute! If you are suffering from Tourette’s Syndrome, Sickle Cell Anemia, Glaucoma, Traumatic Brain Injury, Cancer, Aids, or any other approved disease, it’s a comfort to know that all you have to do is grab your Pot Card and head to your local Budtender for relief.

But, there must be something that qualifies a Budtender to dispense an illegal drug to very ill people. So, I found what may be their “qualifications” by digging a bit deeper. I don’t know how accurate these are, but the running theme to qualify for Budtender seems to be: You must look neat, clean, and friendly. You cannot look like a pothead right out of “Up in Smoke,” Cheech and Chong’s famous pot movie. After all, the patient mustn’t think you can actually get high on this stuff being dispensed. You must know each strain of pot and recommend which to use for each of your patient’s debilities.

To quote from one website, “... The Budtender should be personable, groomed and knowledgeable about the industry. They will be trained by the dispensary manager and should attend formal Budtending seminars or schooling ...”

Wow! that sure sets my mind at ease. How long are these seminars that qualify you to dispense a Schedule I drug to very ill people? On the average, two to four hours of “intense” training. More research and reading seemed to stress the Budtender’s ability to sell product rather than to treat illness.

In my humble estimation, a nice, clean appearing con man would seem to be well qualified to become a Budtender. I’m probably wrong about that. It’s just an impression I got. You know how impressionable we old folks are.

By the way, how does a Budtender figure dosage on a product that has been chosen for their ill patient? There is nothing on a bottle or box to tell you anything about dosage, is there? Well, we have to fall back on the old-fashioned method our ancestors used. It’s called, trial and error. If it seems to work ... great! If it doesn’t, try a little more until the right dosage is stumbled across. I really can’t fault that reasoning too much. Used to work fine for me with aspirin.

I might seem a to be a bit tongue-in-cheek about this new “industry” our seemingly uninformed elected officials have foisted upon us. The term, Medical Pot, is merely an attempt to eliminate the stigma and bad reputation of a Schedule I illegal drug, the infamous pot.

You can bet the farm on this. The pressure to legalize “recreational” pot will be pushed now as quickly as possible. You are naive to think this has not been planned out way ahead of time. If this happens, I mean, mean when this happens, forget about “Medical” pot. It’s way too expensive to produce and sell. Too many regulations. Just dig out your old tie-dyed tee-shirts, hole filled jeans, and leather sandals. Then you won’t feel too conspicuous standing in line at the local head shops to get your fix. Oops! Sorry! I meant to say, “Medical Pot.”

Bud Simpson writes a weekly column published in The Logan Daily News. The views of this column may not necessarily reflect that of the newspaper.

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